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Eu tava morrendo de fome, quase meia noite, no quarto daquele hotel cinco estrelas em Nova York. Não pensem que sou rico, muito pelo contrário. Vim fazer um trabalho besta aqui na cidade e o cara resolveu pagar o quarto dum hotel decente. Meu chefe ia me por numa pensão se dependesse dele. Mas o tal figurão que pediu o serviço insistiu. Daí eu vim. Tirei a porra do visto e vim. Coisa que acontece uma vez na vida outra na morte ter de viajar pra fazer alguma coisa do tipo. Não falo inglês direito. Nada além do básico. E naquela noite o desgraçado que me traduzia as coisas foi dormir cedo. Quase meia noite. Eu morrendo de fome.

Vesti qualquer coisa. Saí do quarto com a cara amassada de ficar na cama o dia inteiro. Tínhamos acabado o serviço e eu estava no meu "dia livre". Grande coisa. Com o frio que tava lá fora não dava pra por a cara na rua. Daí saí todo desleixado pelo corredor, atraindo o olhar repugnado dos outros hóspedes chiques do hotel. Não tava nem aí. Ia ver se no restaurante do lobby eu conseguia apontar pra algum prato e ter uma refeição que não fosse outro hamburguer. Apertei o botão do elevador e esperei a suave campainha fazer o "plim!" dela. Cabisbaixo, na minha, a porta abriu e eu entrei, percebendo que havia mais alguém no elevador mas nem dando a mínima. Ia apertar o botão do lobby mas já estava aceso. Encostei o ombro na lateral enquanto a porta fechava e ia simplesmente aguardar a longa descida de trinta e cinco andares que me separavam da minha janta, quando percebi pelo reflexo do metal do painel que era uma mulher atrás de mim. Uma loira. Não dava pra enxergar direito mas parecia ser gostosa. Como todo bom macho, fingi aquela tossida somada a uma coçada no nariz pra espiar pra trás, subindo rapidamente o olho sobre ela. Pernas lindas, um quadril fenomenal, cinturinha deliciosa, um par de seios perfeitos e um rosto que... "OH MEU DEUS!!! PULTA QUE PARIU É A SYLVIA SAINT!!!", pensei eu rapidamente virando o rosto pra frente. Tossi de verdade enquanto a avalanche de pensamentos sórdidos correu pela minha cabeça. Todas as cenas. Todas as posições que eu já havia assistido ela fazer na tela da TV. Todas as incontáveis punhetas que eu dediquei pra ela. "Caralho! É a Sylvia Saint! Niguém vai acreditar quando eu contar!! Puta, preciso dum autógrafo!". Mas daí a ter coragem de virar pra trás todo mulambento como eu tava e pedir um autógrafo era outro papo. O elevador então começou a descer super rápido. Na verdade na mesma velocidade lerda de sempre mas pra mim estava a mil por hora. Não ia dar tempo. "Faça alguma coisa, seu imbecil!". Porra, fazer o que? Virar pra ela e falar "Dá um autógrafo?", muito simples. "Assina a minha 'chapeleta' por favor?", hahaha Legal mas eu ia tomar um murro no olho e ser chutado do hotel. Cacete... não vai dar tempo. Daí sem mais nem menos eu dei uma corajosa olhada pra trás e disse baixinho:"Sfigkmmn asrnavirnsa..." e virei pra frente de novo. Suando frio. Tenso. "Caralho, imbecil, fala algo coerente!" Ela devia estar me achando um idiota. Décimo andar. Porra. Pede logo ou daqui a pouco ela sai andando e você vai ser mais um ninguém na vida dela. Nono andar. Virei de novo e perguntei: "Opa, tudo bom?" com aquele sorriso amarelo e sem graça. Ela respondeu algo ininteligível, curiosa mas sem esboçar qualquer tipo de reação amistosa. Lógico... a mina nasceu na Czechoslovakia e você espera que ela entenda português. Eu tremia perante a oportunidade de dizer pra todo mundo que eu conheci a Sylvia Saint e ferrei com tudo. Daí inevitavelmente veio a imagem do elevador quebrando e eu preso com ela lá dentro, trepando por horas até alguém vir nos socorrer. Socorrer uma porra! Eu mato na chinelada o primeiro bombeiro que botar a cara aqui pra dentro e tentar me tirar de cima dela. "Não! Pára de pensar asneira! Quarto andar!! Vai logo!! Fala algo direito! Olha ela nos olhos e haja como um HOMEM! Diz pra ela com classe que você queria foder com ela dentro do elev... NÃO!!" e as vozes na minha cabeça diziam pra eu estuprá-la, que nesse caso o delegado perdoava. Outras diziam pra eu largar mão de ser um adolescente cheio de hormônio pra dar e ainda ouvia as que diziam pra eu ignorar tudo, que ela era MUUUUUITA areia pro meu caminhãozinho de dois eixos. Caminhão, ha!... era quase uma Towner! "Mas se bem que naquelas towners de cachorro quente cabe muita coisa e... PORRA! A SYLVIA! Volta pra Sylvia! Terceiro andar!!" Daí eu caí no desespero. Fechei as mãos perante o peito e rezei pra Deus ser brasileiro. Eu precisava de mais tempo e brasileiro que é bom quando a coisa aperta não pensa, reza.

De repente a luz apaga e o elevador para! Estupefato eu ergo os braços pro ar e deixo escapar um audível "YYYYYYEEEEESSS!!!!!" já pensando em quantos Pai Nosso eu ia rezar antes de dormir e quantas promessas ia pagar quando ela vira pra mim e diz algo do tipo: "Seems like your dreams have come true, huh?" Eu fiquei muito sem graça e me achando um imbecil. Mas pelo menos o papo tinha começado. Daí pra trepada da minha vida com a Sylvia Saint dentro do elevador eram dois palitos. No escuro total eu perdi a inibição. Respirei fundo, virei na direção dela e disse: "Im sorry if I seem to be too excited. Its just that this kind of situation is extremely unsual to be true. Its the stuff that dreams are indeed made of." Realmente eu não sei da onde aquela frase saiu. Além de parar o elevador Deus me dá o poder de falar inglês direito. Ou sei lá. No desespero era capaz de eu ter falado aquilo em tcheco ou russo. Fala sério, por ela eu falava em mandarim fluente. E então ela dá um risinho bobo, daquele jeitinho inocente que ela dá antes de ser enrabada por um brutamonte nos filmes. Agora vai!

Mas a luz do elevador volta a acender. "O QUÊ?! NÃÃÃOO!! GERADOR FILHO DA PUTA!!" Tá vendo. Tudo que Deus dá o homem estraga. Quem inventou o gerador de energia devia morrer em chamas. Queima no inferno bastardo. Eunuco do cacete! E as imagens voltam com força total: ela apoiada na parede, ela no chão, ela pendurada no teto, ela de ladinho no tapete e "PLIM!" chegamos no lobby. A porta abre e ela sai, sem dizer nada, dando só aquela olhadinha pra trás, misturando dó com compaixão. "Tchau, Sylvia. Nunca te esquecerei." Nem consegui sair do elevador. Só voltei a pensar direito quando um dos técnicos do hotel, um negão de 2m x 2m carregando o cinturão de ferramentas entrou nele e apertou 'cobertura'. Provavelmente pra testar se o funcionamento tava OK. Não tive tempo de sair e começamos a subir. E aqui estou eu, o homem que desceu com a Sylvia Saint e tá voltando com o técnico. Cruzo as mãos perante o peito e rezo então: "Deus, se essa merda apagar de novo eu juro que eu me converto muçulmano."

A luz apaga como se de propósito. Eu grudo de costas na parede do elevador e tento me lembrar pra que lado fica Mecca.

66 comentários:

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Até que enfim uma vadia que não merece cabo de monitor, neste caso O CARA merece cabo de monitor e que o técnico use com força e vontade.

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Muito bom, excelente. :P
Mas quem é essa tal de Sylvia Saint? Desconheço...

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Desconhece a Sylvia Saint? Então o único comentário que você merece é: "Vira homem, ô rapaz!!"

Hehe

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The general complexities of men's and women's style

Both women and men can have the difficulties of keeping their wardrobe up-to-date and in season, yet men's style often seems a lot simpler. Of program, for both sexes, clothes and fashion choices can be quite as complicated, and there are several'trendy'things that could easily become fashion faux pas - who are able to say they frequently see people travelling in 70s flares? On the other hand, men's fashion includes a few staple things that can exist forever - which man is planning to keep an eye out of place with a good-quality, tailored suit, for example? Pick traditional pieces, colors and materials and you'll never seem out-of-place.

Why classic men's fashion is amazing

The common man's suit has scarcely changed for over a hundred years. True, there are several types for various functions, nevertheless they are all popular in their pursuit of a smart, sharp look for the person. The great thing about basic fashion for men is that it's effortlessly elegant efficiently cool. A well-groomed lady will almost always look his sharpest in a well-tailored suit, and it is a testament to the style of such clothing. A match will be used to work in many professions due to the professional look it affords to the individual, instilling a sense of respect and confidence. Equally a match will undoubtedly be worn to several social events, like a tuxedo to a black-tie affair. This incredible flexibility that allows matches to be worn in nearly all functions is what gives it its classic side and a lasting devote men's fashion.

Modern developments in classic men's style

Whilst basic men's designs will never be changed, it is interesting to note that changes in men's fashion trends have brought particular classic garments back in fashion. The reputation of vintage clothing, particularly, has taken back a wide-variety of common types into men's wardrobes, such as that of the dandy guy. 'Dandy'is a term used to reference men who clothe themselves in a classic yet lavish way, placing importance on appearance and working in a polished method. This development for nearly'over-the-top'traditional fashion for men is evident from events including the'Tweed Run', where men and girls of all ages dress in especially Victorian-style attire and decide to try the roads on vintage cycles - with many of the men sporting remarkable mustaches! That is just one of several examples of research exhibiting the resurgence of such designs. Additionally, there are numerous blogs on line which focus on gentlemanly style - such as'The Dandy Project'and'Dandyism'- as well as entire sites such as'The Art of Manliness'specialized in giving articles on classic men's fashion and grooming.

In conclusion, though certain areas of common men's style may be brought back as new styles, the essential garments that they derive from will never fall out of fashion.

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